Dear Willow...Oz's Journal
by Kaija
Summary: These are just a few journal entries that Oz might have made after he left Sunnydale (the first time). He was always so quiet, he had to have put his thoughts somewhere!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Hey this is just something I made up when I was bored. I don't know how many entries each update will have. It depends on how bored I am and how much time I have. I really hope someone actually reads this one. No one has been reading my stories! R/R! Thanks! Hope you like it.  
  
  
  
Dear Journal,  
  
I left. I can't beleive I left. NO. I had to. It was the right thing to do. I wish she was here. Its only been days since I left. I miss her terribly. Sometimes I wish I hadn't left, but its for the best. When I think that I could have hurt her, or maybe even killed her. Its the most horrible feeling. New topic... I think I'll call my journal Willow. Kinda corny, I know, but I need to talk to her, and this way I kind of will be. I'm going to find a cure, and then I'll come back to you, Willow. I'll be back. I promise.  
  
-Oz  
  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I'm in Romania. I miss you terribly. I think of you every minute. I see you in my dreams. Your face. The face you made when I said I was leaving. Your tears, streaming down your face. I've always been laconic, quiet, but with you it was easy to talk. You made me so happy. I'm so sorry Willow, I'll make it up to you. Somehow. When I come home. I just hope you're still there.  
  
-Oz  
  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I'm still in Romania. There are rumors about a cure here, but no luck so far. I've been to some witches. They've tried to do spells, made potions, and done chants. Nothing has worked so far. I almost couldn't stand to go into their homes. They smelled like you. Sage, jasmine, and candles. You haunted the very scent of their potions. Tasting them was like a kiss. If I closed my eyes and thought hard enough of you, they were a kiss. Whenever I hear Barry on the radio I think of the time when your parents were out and I came in to find you in that red dress. So eager to please me. To make me happy. How did I repay you? I left. I ran. To find a cure so we can be together. Forever.  
  
-Oz  
  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I have left Romania. There is nothing for me there. No cure. I'm on my way to Transylvania. I heard that there is a great wizard of some sort there. I miss you. I miss the scoobies. I miss the dingoes. I miss the Bronze. Mostly You. Only a few nights until the change comes. I know of a place that I can go with restraints. I need to go. Please be waiting for me. Please, Willow. If I don't have you, I don't have anything.  
  
-Oz 


	2. 2

A/N: Well, here's another chapter made just for Astra Angel8965! I hope anyone else who reads it likes it. This will probably be the last one, I think I could seriously do better. I'll probably start some Oz fics soon. R/R!  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
Sometimes I wonder. Is the wolf trapped inside me? Or am I trapped inside the wolf. Is this my body? Or it's? Is this a power, or a sentence. What is the purpose of this. Was I meant to have the wolf inside of me? Maybe I could use it to help Buffy fight. No, there's no knowing who's side I would be on. I could end up doing the opposite. That's why I have to either find a cure, or a way to control the wolf. It's the only way. I can't keep putting lives in danger every time I change. Maybe, if I find a cure, I can help others who are in my situation. Of course, unless they're like Veruca. I can't even think about her. What I did.... I just can't think about it. That's another reason I needed to go. I can't control myself when I'm the wolf. It's as if I'm trapped inside my own body. In a coma. Dead. It's a full moon tonight. The change is coming. I need to get this journal out of reach. Goodnight, sweet Willow...  
  
-Oz  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I keep having this dream. I'm at the Bronze. On stage with the Dingoes. You're in the crowd. I'm playing the guitar. I'm not even paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm just letting my fingers do the work. I don't even miss a chord. I just keep playing and playing. Our eyes are locked. Suddenly we're the only two people in the whole world. Then it's the night before graduation. That magical night. It plays over and over in my head. And then, when everything is so perfect, the wolf comes out and lets out a howl. You start to cry, knowing what I will do to you. Buffy, Xander, and Giles stand around just observing, doing nothing, as I tear you to shreds. Every night I have this dream. Sometimes during the day. I'm scared to even close my eyes, because whenever I do, I see your face. So terrified. Of me. Crying. I see it every time. It's more than I can bear.   
  
-Oz  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I'm in Venice, Italy. There are so many Wicca shops. You would love it. Maybe I'll take you one day. When I'm no longer a danger to you. I think this may be the place. The place that will have my cure. There is a powerful Wiccan here by the name of Sophia Fascellini. She said she might be able to help me. The wolf... I've finally realized, is inside of me all the time. A full moon isn't the only time it can come out. It's good that I didn't find this out the hard way. Sometimes I wonder, though. Maybe I could learn to harness my power. Well, at least make it a power. So, maybe I could control it. Make the wolf come out when I want it to. But I would also have to be able to control myself. I would have to learn to control my actions when I am the wolf. Is the wolf trapped inside of me? Or am I trapped inside of the wolf? Those are the questions that I need answere before I can come back to you. It would be great to go back to the way things were. But I can't. Not anymore. Not until I find the cure. And I will.  
  
-Oz  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I've found it. The cure. I'm on my way back to you. I've missed you so much. I can't stop smiling. Just knowing that I will see you makes me so happy. I know you'll be waiting for me. Now we can be together. No more chains, cages, restraints. We can see eachother any time. I hope you've still been keeping track of the moon. You'll be surprized when I take you for a walk under the light of the full moon. I can't wait to see the look on your face. I wouldn't give up seeing that smile for the world. I'm coming home to you Willow. I love you.  
  
-Oz 


	3. 3

Author's note: I wasn't planning on writing more, but I got some reviews and thought,"what the heck". I hope you guys like it! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
  
Dear Willow,  
  
I can't beleive it. I thought for sure you would be waiting for me. I guess that was just selfish. How could I expect you to wait? You didn't even think I would come back. When I found out about you and Tara, I was devastated. Or maybe, that isn't even the right word. I can't even find words to tell you how hurt I was. Now, more than ever, I wish I had never left. I wish things could just go back to the way they were before. Werewolf and all. I miss my life. I used to know my place in the world. I was Oz. Willow's boyfriend. The werewolf. One of the scoobies. A Dingo. Now I'm none of these. I guess I'm not even myself anymore. I've changed so much. I don't know my place in the world. I'm so lost. If I was just one of these, I think I could get by, but that would be impossible. The dingoes are dead, you're with Tara, being a werewolf is too dangerous, I can't help Buffy because that would just be too painful. I can't go back to being myself anymore. I'm not the same person. I guess I never will be. My only problem is this, if I'm not me, who am I? What will I do? Who will I be? Where will I go? I guess I have to find out.  
  
-Oz  
  
Dear Willow,   
  
I'm making a new band. We haven't thought of a name yet, but we're thinking. We've had a few gigs and there have been some really big guys coming to our gigs so we're starting to get excited. Maybe we'll make it big, who knows? I'm not really in it for that, but if it comes, that would be great. I thought I should tell you. We had a conversation about this before I think. I finally mastered the E flat diminish 9th. I'm really excited about it. I even did it without losing a finger! I wish you were here. You would have laughed at that wouldn't you have? I wish I could just see your smile. I've been here for a while (Los Angeles) but it doesn't feel like home yet. If I could just see your smile. THAT would feel like home. It reminds me of a song. "You feel like home to me, feel like home to me, feels like im all the way back where I belong" or somthing like that. That's the way I feel. I need to move on. I need to throw this journal away. I need to let go. As hard as it is to do, and as much as I don't want to, I need to let you go. I need to stop holding on. I need to move on. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can be strong. But I will. I'll be brave. For you. I love you now, and I'll love you forever. I'll never forget. Goodbye.   
  
-Oz  
  
  
***   
  
Oz got up from the park bench where he was sitting. He stood up. Gave the journal one last look, threw it in the trash, and walked away. He would always miss her, and he would always love her. But he had to move on. It hurt unbearably to do it, but he had to, and he knew that without the bad moments in life, the good ones aren't as great. Like Angelus once said,"It hurts sometimes more that we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace, but we would be hollow...without passion, we'd be truly dead." Oz still believes that.  
  
*** 


End file.
